After last night, I could never be a politician.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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