I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
