Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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