So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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