tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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