I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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