u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
