I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
