so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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