Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
