I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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