: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
