You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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