I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Two words: blizzard sex
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
