hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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