I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I need a beard to bite.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
