if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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