I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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