so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
