The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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