I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
