She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
