I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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