It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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