Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
