I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
