Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
