Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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