fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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