Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
