people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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