do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
