I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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