I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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