Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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