There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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