I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sarcasm needs its own font
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
