how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
