i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
