I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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