He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize