You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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