dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You ruined the universe
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize