the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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