Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
