I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
