honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
