haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
