Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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