she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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