Pants 0. Shit 1.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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