i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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