my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
