Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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