he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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