your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
