Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize