4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
